By 2012 Financial Reporter Drew Smith

NEW YORK (AP) — Commodities traders were trading heavily in metals this morning. The reason? Tin foil hats.

“They’re functional, fashionable, plus they block out the satellites from spying on me,” said Bruce Stockwalter, President and CEO of Applied Aluminum. “I don’t know what I even wore on my head before aluminum,” he said as he adjusted the tin foil hat on his head.

Bruce has reason to forget about non-aluminum hats. The fad has spawned other aluminum fashion across the globe. Some aluminum has been spotted on runway models in Paris. The American Cancer Society has changed all of their classic pink breast cancer ribbons to aluminum. The Iranian soccer team has even been spotted with aluminum arm bands to show support for those opposing the election results. Bruce just smiles.

“There I was, an average guy with a bachelor’s degree in business, a decent job, and a history of repeated alien abductions,” said Bruce. “Now, I’m a billionaire in charge of a gigantic evil corporation.”

I attempted to ask Bruce another question, but then he got really quiet and informed me, via notecard, that the remainder of the interview would be done through written notecards on account of the wiretap in the office. I agreed to his request and turned off my tape recorder.

Bruce’s company has quadrupled its output in only three months and doubled the stock price of Applied Aluminum (NYSE: AAL). The price is expected to climb higher tomorrow on the rumor that Ben Bernanke is going to announce that the United States will put its currency on the aluminum standard.

“We have been on the gold and silver standards in the past,” said Bernanke at a recent press conference. “It is time we brought our currency to the 21st century. And the 21st century means aluminum.”

The rumor sent prices of gold and silver plummetting on top of the already bad news that ABC’s The Bachelor will feature a wedding proposal with an aluminum ring.