WASHINGTON, D.C.

Continuing its “better safe than sorry” approach to the end of the Mayan calendar, the Pentagon has employed Vince Shlomi, creator of the popular ShamWow, to help prevent major flooding on the East Coast.

The government has asked Mr. Shlomi to cease production on his popular dish rag for consumer purchase and instead work on a plan to use the ShamWow to prevent a possible catastrophe ten times the size of the tsunami that hit Southeast Asia in 2004.

In a written statement, Shlomi said “Wow! It is an honor. Wow!” A representative from Mr. Shlomi’s office later clarified, “ShamWow is honored to be involved in this process during our country’s time of need and we will do everything to protect our customers.”

Jennifer Birkenstock moved to California back in the mid-nineties shortly after the Northridge earthquake struck with a 6.7 magnitude.  Birkenstock has what some might consider an earthquake fetish.  She only wishes they would occur more often.

When asked if she had to choose between strong earthquakes spread out over time or more frequent small ones, she finds it hard to decide.  “The big ones really get me excited, but they can be rather destructive.  I think I probably would like small ones more often as long as they are big enough to give me a good jolt.”

By 2012 Financial Reporter Drew Smith

NEW YORK (AP) — Commodities traders were trading heavily in metals this morning. The reason? Tin foil hats.

“They’re functional, fashionable, plus they block out the satellites from spying on me,” said Bruce Stockwalter, President and CEO of Applied Aluminum. “I don’t know what I even wore on my head before aluminum,” he said as he adjusted the tin foil hat on his head.

Bruce has reason to forget about non-aluminum hats. The fad has spawned other aluminum fashion across the globe. Some aluminum has been spotted on runway models in Paris. The American Cancer Society has changed all of their classic pink breast cancer ribbons to aluminum. The Iranian soccer team has even been spotted with aluminum arm bands to show support for those opposing the election results. Bruce just smiles.

Frank Douglas of Columbus, Ohio knows he only has a couple of years left- a couple years left to track down his prized DVDs that he regrettably lent out over the years.

“I know I can’t take them with me,” he says, “but I’ll be damned if the apocalypse comes and my copy of The Karate Kid Director’s Cut is still at cousin Walter’s… and speaking of apocalypse, who the heck did I lend my Apocalypse Now: Pre Redux Addition to?”

Douglas keeps track of all his loans on various scraps of paper in a shoe box on the shelf in his living room.  He shuffles through them now searching for the one currently in possession of Apocalypse Now: Pre Redux Addition.

Eden Prairie, MN

Home video has surfaced of a bizarre incident at a small school in Minnesota.

Kindergarten teacher, Margaret Reed, released her self written and directed play “Kaboom!” last spring to a gym full of parents, students, and teachers.  The play, a direct reflection of Reeds beliefs regarding the prophecies of December 21, 2012, was a controversial choice.  She promised a family friendly five year old appropriate performance and though somewhat cute and definitely entertaining- it wasn’t the most appropriate subject matter.

The children wore adorable colorful planet costumes encompassing almost their entire bodies.  On stage they danced around each other orbiting the Sun played by Reed herself.  The monologue spoken aloud by the Sun set up a particular Doomsday scenario in which the fabled Planet X, the precocious Tommy Gilbert, wanders his way into our solar system and the rest of the nine planets begin bouncing off each other like some sort of cosmic pinball machine.