Someone or something is killing 2012 enthusiasts. Culp takes the torch in this touching chapter about friendship, hope… and buckets of gore.

Continuing its “better safe than sorry” approach to the end of the Mayan calendar, the Pentagon has employed Vince Shlomi, creator of the popular ShamWow, to help prevent major flooding on the East Coast.

The government has asked Mr. Shlomi to cease production on his popular dish rag for consumer purchase and instead work on a plan to use the ShamWow to prevent a possible catastrophe ten times the size of the tsunami that hit Southeast Asia in 2004.

In a written statement, Shlomi said “Wow! It is an honor. Wow!” A representative from Mr. Shlomi’s office later clarified, “ShamWow is honored to be involved in this process during our country’s time of need and we will do everything to protect our customers.”

The Shamwow can hold up to 12 times it’s weight in liquid.

Experts have spent the last few days theorizing exactly what the ShamWow could do to help avert the total destruction of the Eastern seaboard. Some have suggested a ShamWall could be erected along the Atlantic Ocean to sop up the water. Others have wondered if giant ShamWow’s could be dropped in the ocean to lower the water level.

In possibly related news, Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar has called the creator of the Snuggie to Sacramento for undisclosed reasons.

When asked if she had to choose between strong earthquakes spread out over time or more frequent small ones, she finds it hard to decide.  “The big ones really get me excited, but they can be rather destructive.  I think I probably would like small ones more often as long as they are big enough to give me a good jolt.”

Birkenstock explains that there is no greater high for her than the adrenaline rush she gets from a good 5.0 or greater.  She says she envies storm chasers and their Doppler radar.  She longs for the day when earthquakes can be predicted and she can chase them across the country and even the world in order to be there when they strike.

She keeps very few possessions making it easy to move around to the most earthquake prone areas of the world.  It also makes the devastation of a particularly powerful earthquake easier to bear because she has very little to lose.  “It’s just me and my Chevy and a dashboard full of bobble-head dolls.”

If anything is going to happen on December 21^st, 2012 she really hopes it is a series of tremors that rock the earth to its core.  As she thinks about it, Birkenstock’s eyes go a little glassy as she lets out a pleasurable sigh, “What a way to go.”

After witnessing Mark’s assassination, Lon must warn the rest of his friends to stop promoting 2012. WARNING: Contains extreme violence!

NEW YORK (AP) — Commodities traders were trading heavily in metals this morning. The reason? Tin foil hats.

“They’re functional, fashionable, plus they block out the satellites from spying on me,” said Bruce Stockwalter, President and CEO of Applied Aluminum. “I don’t know what I even wore on my head before aluminum,” he said as he adjusted the tin foil hat on his head.

Bruce has reason to forget about non-aluminum hats. The fad has spawned other aluminum fashion across the globe. Some aluminum has been spotted on runway models in Paris. The American Cancer Society has changed all of their classic pink breast cancer ribbons to aluminum. The Iranian soccer team has even been spotted with aluminum arm bands to show support for those opposing the election results. Bruce just smiles.

“There I was, an average guy with a bachelor’s degree in business, a decent job, and a history of repeated alien abductions,” said Bruce. “Now, I’m a billionaire in charge of a gigantic evil corporation.”

I attempted to ask Bruce another question, but then he got really quiet and informed me, via notecard, that the remainder of the interview would be done through written notecards on account of the wiretap in the office. I agreed to his request and turned off my tape recorder.

Bruce’s company has quadrupled its output in only three months and doubled the stock price of Applied Aluminum (NYSE: AAL). The price is expected to climb higher tomorrow on the rumor that Ben Bernanke is going to announce that the United States will put its currency on the aluminum standard.

“We have been on the gold and silver standards in the past,” said Bernanke at a recent press conference. “It is time we brought our currency to the 21st century. And the 21st century means aluminum.”

The rumor sent prices of gold and silver plummetting on top of the already bad news that ABC’s The Bachelor will feature a wedding proposal with an aluminum ring.

“I know I can’t take them with me,” he says, “but I’ll be damned if the apocalypse comes and my copy of The Karate Kid Director’s Cut is still at cousin Walter’s… and speaking of apocalypse, who the heck did I lend my Apocalypse Now: Pre Redux Addition to?”

Douglas keeps track of all his loans on various scraps of paper in a shoe box on the shelf in his living room.  He shuffles through them now searching for the one currently in possession of Apocalypse Now: Pre Redux Addition.

“Aunt Esther!  Aw shoot, I think she moved to Florida.  What a pain in the ass.”  Douglas’ journey to make his expansive DVD collection whole again may very well take him across the country.  He will travel to places he has never been before intent on completing this mission that Harry Knowles of Ain’t it Cool News calls ‘completely worth it.’

Douglas continues, “It’s just the principle of the thing.  I lent those DVD’s to friends and family, I did not give them away.”

Perhaps we’ll catch up with Frank Douglas in the summer of 2012 and see what kind of progress he’s made.

Mark has paid the price for his determination to spread awareness about 2012. He has endured endless harassment from the authorities and governments of countless countries, death threats, and even served three months in a Los Angeles correctional facility for disturbing the peace… Mark’s infamous 2012 street performance involved state of the art pyrotechnics and prosthetic effects to convey the violence that we will endure on 2012. Over six gallons of fake blood were used as actors parade the side walk as if melting from the molten spurts that will surely erupt from our planet, bodies exploding from a sudden shift in the pressure of our atmosphere, and endless screaming to the mercy of God in an effort to call attention to the 2012 phenomenon, an issue that Mark stresses with paramount importance. There is no end to what he’ll do to warn us of the coming doomsday.

A police report dating back to July 4th 2009 states the 22-year-old Grand Rapids native was yelling gibberish at the sky.

It states the suspect shouted “I’m trying to contact my alien brothers,” to a crowd of screaming 6th graders.

One student told police it sounded like the alien language Klingons spoke in the Sci-Fi series Star Trek.

In the report officers were able to convince Witkowski to come off the roof, but had to use force when they tried to clothe him.

“He started running in circles screaming when we tried to get him to wear pants,” Officer Mike Young said in a recent interview, “We had to tase him to get them on.”

Authorities say they placed the half conscious, half clothed Witkowski in the back of a police car to take him into the station for questioning. When they arrived they were surprised to find he was, again naked.

Authorities say detectives allowed Witkowski to stay ‘exposed’ in order to get his cooperation. He was also allowed to stay standing so that his ‘communication hub’ would not be compromised.

“He refused to keep his clothes on,” Grand Rapids Police Sergeant Brad Wilcox said, “He said you can’t get abducted with clothes on.”
The report goes on to say that when asked if he wanted water, Witkowski requested lotion or “some sort of lubricant.”

“When we arrested him officers said he did feel slippery,” Wilcox said, “He told detectives when you are abducted, being lubricated makes it easy to slip in.” Wilcox said officers didn’t ask

Witkowski what he would need to slip into. He also spoke about the events of a specific date, December 21, 2012. He told police giant space ships would light up the sky, lost military craft thought missing decades ago would appear in random locations across the globe and several chosen people would disappear.

Witkowski was charged with indecent exposure and ordered to house arrest for three years.
Police say he went missing a week ago. His ankle bracelet found along side of a pile of clothes at a nearby park.

Towards the end of the 2009 San Diego Comic Con I was minding my own business taking a break from informing the crowds of the impending end of the world, when Pattinson himself approached me. I was shocked! Looking distraught, with those longing eyes and gorgeous pale skin, he apparently really needed to talk.

In my exclusive mini interview alone with Robert Pattinson in a hidden corner of Comic Con, he revealed to me one of his deepest fears. Pattinson is a fellow believer in the end of days, come December 21st, 2012. Swept up in the idea of money and fame he agreed to portray Edward in Twilight and any other subsequent films. At a rate of one film a year, the final movie in the Twilight Saga should be released in November of 2011, giving him only one year to escape the shadow of the vampire, and live a normal life.

Robert was very upset about this, and confided to me a very exclusive tidbit of information about the use of his movie star revenue. Apparently, he is funding the efforts of a couple mad scientists who claim they can build a time machine. Pattinson said he would hate to disappoint his fans, and with a time machine, he could not only by the scream dream for all pre-teen girls alike, but a demigod of sorts- capable of traversing the time space continuum and altering the history on the universe in any way imaginable.

The next morning I stood in line at the New Moon panel at Comic Con. It was then that I realized this unprecedented following was truly justified. Robert Pattinson plans to save the world and all of its inhabitants.