By 2012 Financial Reporter Drew Smith

NEW YORK (AP) — Commodities traders were trading heavily in metals this morning. The reason? Tin foil hats.

“They’re functional, fashionable, plus they block out the satellites from spying on me,” said Bruce Stockwalter, President and CEO of Applied Aluminum. “I don’t know what I even wore on my head before aluminum,” he said as he adjusted the tin foil hat on his head.

Bruce has reason to forget about non-aluminum hats. The fad has spawned other aluminum fashion across the globe. Some aluminum has been spotted on runway models in Paris. The American Cancer Society has changed all of their classic pink breast cancer ribbons to aluminum. The Iranian soccer team has even been spotted with aluminum arm bands to show support for those opposing the election results. Bruce just smiles.

Frank Douglas of Columbus, Ohio knows he only has a couple of years left- a couple years left to track down his prized DVDs that he regrettably lent out over the years.

“I know I can’t take them with me,” he says, “but I’ll be damned if the apocalypse comes and my copy of The Karate Kid Director’s Cut is still at cousin Walter’s… and speaking of apocalypse, who the heck did I lend my Apocalypse Now: Pre Redux Addition to?”

Douglas keeps track of all his loans on various scraps of paper in a shoe box on the shelf in his living room.  He shuffles through them now searching for the one currently in possession of Apocalypse Now: Pre Redux Addition.

Mark has paid the price for his determination to spread awareness about 2012. He has endured endless harassment from the authorities and governments of countless countries, death threats, and even served three months in a Los Angeles correctional facility for disturbing the peace…

GRAND RAPIDS, MI (2012) – Police are looking for a man who was arrested weeks ago for allegedly climbing onto a satellite on top of a middle school completely naked.

A police report dating back to July 4th 2009 states the 22-year-old Grand Rapids native was yelling gibberish at the sky.

It states the suspect shouted “I’m trying to contact my alien brothers,” to a crowd of screaming 6th graders.

One student told police it sounded like the alien language Klingons spoke in the Sci-Fi series Star Trek.

In the report officers were able to convince Witkowski to come off the roof, but had to use force when they tried to clothe him.

“He started running in circles screaming when we tried to get him to wear pants,” Officer Mike Young said in a recent interview, “We had to tase him to get them on.”

Authorities say they placed the half conscious, half clothed Witkowski in the back of a police car to take him into the station for questioning. When they arrived they were surprised to find he was, again naked.

When he accepted the role of Edward Cullen, actor Robert Pattinson was whisked away to the world of movie stardom and sex symbols. Playing the beloved lead vampire of the popular Twilight Saga, he got way more than he had bargained for. He became the living, breathing, wincing, sighing fantasy of girls everywhere.

Towards the end of the 2009 San Diego Comic Con I was minding my own business taking a break from informing the crowds of the impending end of the world, when Pattinson himself approached me. I was shocked! Looking distraught, with those longing eyes and gorgeous pale skin, he apparently really needed to talk.

In my exclusive mini interview alone with Robert Pattinson in a hidden corner of Comic Con, he revealed to me one of his deepest fears. Pattinson is a fellow believer in the end of days, come December 21st, 2012. Swept up in the idea of money and fame he agreed to portray Edward in Twilight and any other subsequent films. At a rate of one film a year, the final movie in the Twilight Saga should be released in November of 2011, giving him only one year to escape the shadow of the vampire, and live a normal life.