By 2012 Financial Reporter Drew Smith

NEW YORK (AP) — Commodities traders were trading heavily in metals this morning. The reason? Tin foil hats.

“They’re functional, fashionable, plus they block out the satellites from spying on me,” said Bruce Stockwalter, President and CEO of Applied Aluminum. “I don’t know what I even wore on my head before aluminum,” he said as he adjusted the tin foil hat on his head.

Bruce has reason to forget about non-aluminum hats. The fad has spawned other aluminum fashion across the globe. Some aluminum has been spotted on runway models in Paris. The American Cancer Society has changed all of their classic pink breast cancer ribbons to aluminum. The Iranian soccer team has even been spotted with aluminum arm bands to show support for those opposing the election results. Bruce just smiles.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI (2012) – Police are looking for a man who was arrested weeks ago for allegedly climbing onto a satellite on top of a middle school completely naked.

A police report dating back to July 4th 2009 states the 22-year-old Grand Rapids native was yelling gibberish at the sky.

It states the suspect shouted “I’m trying to contact my alien brothers,” to a crowd of screaming 6th graders.

One student told police it sounded like the alien language Klingons spoke in the Sci-Fi series Star Trek.

In the report officers were able to convince Witkowski to come off the roof, but had to use force when they tried to clothe him.

“He started running in circles screaming when we tried to get him to wear pants,” Officer Mike Young said in a recent interview, “We had to tase him to get them on.”

Authorities say they placed the half conscious, half clothed Witkowski in the back of a police car to take him into the station for questioning. When they arrived they were surprised to find he was, again naked.